Fellowship and Communion
by paxbanana
Summary: Christmas fic - All Natsuki wants is to be closer to Shizuru, but Shizuru isn't able to see past her own sins.


Fellowship and Communion  
Fandom: Mai HiME  
Pairing: Natsuki/Shizuru  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: Gay people and description of a Christian Christmas Eve service. Click the blue arrow if this offends you.  
Length: one-shot, ~4100 words  
Summary: All Natsuki wants is to be closer to Shizuru, but Shizuru isn't able to see past her own sins.

"Oi, Shizuru, over here!"

Natsuki waved a hand over her head as Shizuru's head swiveled around towards the sound of her voice. She stood shivering in the doorway of the little cafe they'd agreed upon for a late lunch. Waiting for Shizuru to hurry towards her was more difficult than waiting half an hour to see her in the first place. Of course she hadn't _meant_ to get there so early, but it had been two months since she'd so much as seen Shizuru, and maybe she'd gotten ready too soon in the day and then maybe she'd left her apartment too soon this afternoon...

Shizuru broke the flow of the slow stream of pedestrians on the sidewalk—golden height bisecting dark uniformity. She looked so strikingly individual that Natsuki wondered if people even noticed her when she stood next to Shizuru. Her throat closed for a moment.

"Hello," Shizuru said breathlessly. She seemed a little distracted as she slipped her phone into her pocket. "You look nice, Natsuki."

-Which undercut the compliment that had naturally come up on Natsuki's tongue at the sight of her. "Uh, you look really nice too." Shizuru had curled her hair, had put in a pair of earrings, and wore something that put Natsuki's jeans and sweater to shame. It brought a blush to Natsuki's face to see Shizuru looking so nice; there was a formality in it that fluttered her belly.

With everyone Natsuki associated with, there was always an awful moment of dread in the greeting or parting when she wondered if they wanted to embrace. She didn't have that kind of thought with Shizuru at all. This made it all the worse when Shizuru stiffened up as Natsuki put her arms around her.

Natsuki drew back and cleared her throat. She glanced awkwardly at Shizuru, who looked pensively away from her. With a quiet sigh, Natsuki gave up on that and opened the door for Shizuru. "You didn't have to get all dressed up for dinner, you know."

"I didn't purposefully," Shizuru replied, settling in an open booth along the front windows of the restaurant. "I only have an event later today."

The bubble of pleasure in Natsuki's belly deflated. "Oh," Natsuki replied flatly. She'd hoped they'd spent the whole rest of the day together. She'd kind of hoped Shizuru had dressed up for her too. In fact, somewhere along all those lines, she'd held this little belief that maybe Shizuru would be so pleased to see her that they'd stay out late and go back to Natsuki's apartment to hang out anyway. And that Shizuru would be so tired she'd just stay overnight at her apartment, and maybe they could just chat under the kotatsu all night or...or...just _something_. How was it that she missed Shizuru more when she was actually with her? "What do you have to go to?"

They paused to order. As Natsuki watched the waitress flounce away, Shizuru said, "A Christmas Eve service."

"What's that?"

For the first time that day, Shizuru met Natsuki's eyes. The sunlight caught the edge of her irises and they flashed the color of a rich wine. "It's a Protestant service to celebrate Christmas Eve."

"You're Christian?" Natsuki cocked an eyebrow. How had she never known this?

"Well, you could say I practice. I take communion and attend services, though some would argue I'm still not."

"I have no idea what that means," Natsuki reminded her.

"Lots of politics in the church. We'll just say I am." Shizuru gave her a half-hearted smile before flicking her eyes away uncomfortably. Why was it always like this, with Shizuru flinching from her every time their eyes met?

"What time is the service?"

"Six."

_So soon_... The deflated bubble in her belly became a dead weight. It was four o'clock; that gave them probably an hour and a half at most. Natsuki sat on her hands and frowned at her drink. She must have glared at the waitress when she dropped their steaming food in front of them. The girl quickly retreated, stuttering over bringing refills.

"How have you been?"

Shizuru's question broke her from her sulk. "Okay," Natsuki replied. "I told you what was going on when I called last time. Just school and more school and Mai and Mikoto. I expected everything to be really boring after...well, just _after_, but actually things have been a constant state of crazy."

Shizuru chuckled softly. "I know what you mean..."

Finally their conversation flowed and became animated. They chattered happily, and in no time at all it seemed, Shizuru checked her watch and said she needed to leave. On the way out the door, that clench in Natsuki's belly made her blurt out, "Is it okay if I come too?"

"To the service?" Shizuru sounded startled. "Well, I don't see why not."

"Yes or no?" Natsuki snapped, tired of _maybe'_s.

"Yes. Though to be honest, I have no idea why you would want to."

Her tension unwound. She was a little surprised that Shizuru had agreed. "Look, I couldn't care less about the service, but... I haven't seen you in two months. I want to spend more time with you. You're my most important fri—" Natsuki choked that word off, realizing it was probably like a stab in the heart for Shizuru.

"It's..." Shizuru's eyes darted away from her again. "I apologize, Natsuki, but it's... It's very difficult for me to be with you."

"Yeah," Natsuki replied, swallowing down the tears that rose up her throat. The horrible thing was, she understood completely why Shizuru would find it too hard to be around her, after Natsuki had rejected her but still clung on to their friendship so desperately. Every interaction now must feel like that rejection all over again.

They walked in awkward silence for a few minutes. Natsuki would have normally tried to think of something to break the silence—as Shizuru seemed all too comfortable with just _not_ talking when they were together—but that last exchange had shut her down. The silence was heavy between them, and it made the walk agonizingly long. Then, finally, Shizuru hailed someone.

The man was Western, with specific characteristics that made it clear he was Shizuru's father. Not to mention Shizuru moved in and gave him a hug and a kiss without hesitation. She called him "Papa", which struck Natsuki as surprisingly childish.

"Papa, this is Natsuki. I invited her to come along with us to the service, if that's alright."

"It certainly is." He smiled at Natsuki and reached out to shake her hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Natsuki. You can call me Haru-oji-san, if you'd like."

"You too—nice to meet you, that is." She glanced at his suit and over to Shizuru's dressy clothing and felt under dressed. "There isn't a dress code, is there, um, Haru-san?"

"You're more than fine," he replied, giving her a little wink after she said his name.

They began the walk to the church, and Shizuru asked her father, "Is Batou coming?"

"Of course not," Shizuru's father said a little irritably. "We'll meet him after for a coffee, though." He glanced over at Natsuki and included her in the conversation. "Batou is my partner. He doesn't particularly care for anything related to Christianity though."

"Oh, what sort of business do you do?"

Haru laughed. Shizuru ducked her head and blushed, unamused. Natsuki's eyes flicked back and forth, and she thought she understood. "Oh, you mean..."

"Life partner," Haru replied without shame. "We've been 'in business' for ten years next May."

"Wow, congrats." She couldn't imagine two adults actually being together for that long. Her own father had only lasted five years before the divorce from her mother. And as far as Natsuki was concerned, he'd lasted all of eight years before he divorced himself from her life too.

"Thanks. But that means I have to think of a really good gift, and so far I've had no luck. And all he does is say to save whatever money I might spend on a gift." Haru rolled his eyes. "This country saves money too well."

"What do you mean?"

"Statistically speaking, Japanese people put away proportionally far more money than Americans. I'm originally from America—Charleston, South Carolina," he hastened to add. "I hope my accent isn't too bad."

"Nope." He rounded his vowels and his 'r's were a little soft, but he was certainly fluent.

"Good. I've been here for so long I would hope I've become more natural-sounding."

They talked past Shizuru's marked silence, and the walk to the church passed quickly. Before she knew it, they climbed a set of steps up into an old Western building. They were over half an hour early, but Haru claimed Christmas Eve was popular with members that didn't usually come every week so seats would be hard to come by. They slid into a booth near the front of the small chapel after picking up a candle each as they entered. Natsuki looked about childishly, taking in what she'd never seen before. Of course Fuuka HS had a chapel, but she knew they practiced a warped sect of Christianity. Their resident nun had gotten pregnant, and their priest turned out to be evil. He also commanded a robot and a genetically engineered girl who controlled a giant weapon in orbit...

Talk—quiet in reverence for the surroundings—now centered around Shizuru's schooling and her possible plans for the future.

"I don't want to be an OL," Shizuru claimed. "They get stuck at the bottom rungs of the business ladder. I'd rather go into business for myself."

"What do you want to do?" Natsuki was curious to know.

"I was thinking opening a shop. As far as to what..." Shizuru shrugged.

"A tea shop?" Natsuki pondered a guess.

Shizuru laughed. "Actually, I considered opening—or taking over—a dojo. But a tea shop sounds rather tempting. I'm surprised I didn't think of it."

"A dojo? Cool. Would you teach naginata?"

Shizuru's eyes darted to hers nervously. "No. Judo."

"You practice Judo?"

"A bit." –Which probably meant she was a fifth degree black belt or whatever.

"I didn't know that."

Shizuru smiled stiffly in reply. Apparently that reminder of the HiME incident was enough to make her uncomfortable. Conversation stopped dead at that until Haru started them off on another track. As they talked, the chapel filled to the brim with people. There were people seated in plastic chairs set up in the back and the sides of the sanctuary. Natsuki reasoned that a fire marshal would have a heart attack to see this tiny building so blocked off with people. Not to mention the candles.

Abruptly, someone started playing an organ, and the congregation hushed momentarily. At some point, everyone stood up, and Natsuki hastened to follow. The deep murmur of combined voices spoke out some written exchange with the minister. Then Shizuru had opened up a Hymnal, and Natsuki shuffled closer to share. She attempted the first verse of the hymn but gave up because she was hopeless at reading music...not to mention singing. Shizuru had a surprisingly strong voice, and Natsuki alternated from looking at the hymnal to flicking her eyes up to Shizuru's face.

Shizuru always held her face in a bland expression, but when she sang, her mouth stretched open, her teeth bared, her brow tightened, and she was so _real_ momentarily that it shocked Natsuki. She was absolutely beautiful.

During the length of that service, Natsuki came to enjoy the hymns the most, if only to hear and see Shizuru sing.

Near the end of the service, the priest stood at the front and tore open a loaf of bread, blessed it, held up a cup of wine, and blessed it. The congregation proceeded to take communion.

"What about me?" Natsuki murmured as the pew in front of them rose to take their spot in line to do Intinction.

"Technically, you're supposed to be a baptized Christian to take communion, but I believe in a completely Open Table," Haru replied, which was no help at all.

"If you would like to, you may," Shizuru said simply.

So Natsuki got up with them and stood in line. She cupped her palms and received a small tear of bread with the softly murmured words: "This is the Body of Christ, broken for you." She dipped the bread into the chalice of grape juice held by another minister, who murmured: "This is the Blood of Christ, spilt for you." Then, Natsuki settled the wet bread on her tongue. It was strangely sustaining despite being nothing but bread and the sweetness of juice. Though she didn't believe the practices of Christianity, Natsuki could _feel_ the spirit of this practice. There was a strange reverence in everyone in the sanctuary for this Communion.

She watched a young boy drop his bread into the chalice and fish it out with his whole hand, and she winced. Maybe not...

When she sat down at the pew with Haru, Natsuki noticed that Shizuru hadn't returned with them. She had knelt at the wooden railing that ringed in front of the altar and pulpit. Her hands were clasped and her head bowed. And finally, after all this, Natsuki saw true _remorse_. She watched Shizuru shiver in her prayer and _hurt_ deep inside herself. While Shizuru had pretended not to care and had not so much as acknowledged her actions during the Carnival, Natsuki now saw that she'd suffered her guilt in private and looked to a very different entity for forgiveness. How would it be to have to ask someone who could not (or would not, some would argue) reply forgiveness or damnation for a sin that was so impacting as Shizuru's?

When Shizuru finally walked back up the aisle to take her seat next to Natsuki, her eyes were bright with tears. She flinched from Natsuki's supportive smile, and her hand was cold and stiff beneath Natsuki's. Refusing to be rejected, Natsuki slid her fingers between Shizuru's and squeezed gently. Then, finally, Shizuru relaxed a little and returned the gentle pressure. Natsuki sighed in relief.

She stared at their hands, and she wanted. She wanted to have an assurance that she and Shizuru would always be together. She wanted to be able to tell Shizuru she was beautiful without having to wonder if Shizuru second guessed her motive. She wanted to be able to hold hands or embrace Shizuru without wondering if she was being cruel. She wanted to love Shizuru without being rejected at every advance. Natsuki traced her white thumb over the softly tanned back of Shizuru's hand. She wanted _Shizuru_. In every aspect. Plain and simple.

As the congregation settled, a reverent silence filled the sanctuary. The minister lit a candle, and the ushers took the flame from his candle. They walked down the aisles and lit the first person's candle at each pew. Shizuru held her candle upright, her eyes fixed on the fluttering flame soberly. Natsuki glanced from her face back down the candle. She tipped hers over so the wick brushed Shizuru's and watched as the flame straightened over it. When she pulled her candle away, her own wick was happily burning. Haru touched his candle to Natsuki's, and on down the line it went. Natsuki found Communion in this far more easily than Intinction.

Then, as everyone's candle was lit, the lights in the sanctuary dimmed. The organ started, and they sang 'Silent Night' by candlelight. With each word sung, Shizuru's flame flickered and fluttered. Then, on a particularly lovely note, it extinguished in a flutter of smoke. Shizuru stared at her candle in shocked silence. Natsuki wordlessly offered her own flame. Shizuru met her eyes, and a slow, lovely smile stretched across her lips. She dipped her wick down and took Natsuki's flame, and she began to sing anew, her candle fluttering cheerfully.

* * *

They met Haru's partner at a little cafe that was only a few blocks away from the church. He was a short but powerful looking man. He appeared stiff and unhappy, but Natsuki realized quickly that he was just shy of her. Knowing that banished whatever awkward shyness that was left in herself.

"Did you enjoy the service?" Batou asked her.

Natsuki thought of Shizuru's smile at the end of it and nodded. "It was very interesting."

"You didn't by chance see a child stick his fingers in the grape juice to fish out a piece of bread, did you?"

Natsuki winced.

"Well, it was _after_ we'd taken Communion," Haru intoned. But his smile was tempered by a wince as well. "I try not to think of it."

"One might argue it's irreverent to consider germs during Communion, Batou-ji," Shizuru teased. She sighed happily after a long sip of tea and spoke to Natsuki. "I'm beginning to think that tea shop idea is a very good idea."

Natsuki glowed in pleasure; needless to say, she blushed.

"So how long have you two been dating?" Batou casually asked.

Shizuru stiffened, and Natsuki blushed so hard her face felt feverish.

"We aren't," Shizuru quickly said. "We're just friends."

That last assertion cut to the heart. "We aren't _just_ friends," Natsuki gasped, stricken.

Shizuru's nostrils flared. She actually looked angry, which cut deeper. "Forgive my syntax. We're friends. Period."

"Hell, Shizuru, how can you say that?" Natsuki tried to swallow down the lump in her throat, but it stayed and brought tears to her eyes. "After what we've been through!"

"How can _you_?" Shizuru gasped, her face twisting in pain. "After what I..."

There was a horrible silence. Then, Batou quietly said, "I'm very sorry. I caused a lot of awkwardness, huh?"

"Maybe you should go, Natsuki," Shizuru said. She had the gall to look hurt.

"Like hell!" Natsuki snapped. "If I'm going, you're coming with me, and we're going to damn well talk about this. I'm tired of sitting on it in silence, 'cause apparently that's not going to solve the problem."

"I don't see how talking about it's going to help anything. It's all already been _done_—"

"I'm not losing you!"

There was a deep silence in the entire shop. Natsuki realized she'd shouted and fumbled awkwardly to pull on her coat. She kept her head down to avoid the masked stares of the other customers. Shizuru's head was ducked as well. When she made no move to get up, Natsuki's lip quivered. That horrible knot in her stomach eased when Shizuru pulled her coat off her chair and stood as well. "Alright," Shizuru murmured softly. "Okay."

"I won't wait up, dear," Haru said. "You two take your time."

* * *

The walk to Natsuki's apartment was horribly stiff and silent. Natsuki worked through her words, knowing she couldn't speak them in the public of the street. Shizuru shrunk on herself the closer they got to their destination, as if her dread was physically weighing her down. With a sigh, Natsuki reached out and took her hand. Propriety be damned, Natsuki wanted Shizuru to know that she was there and she wasn't giving her up. Shizuru's hand was cold and sweaty, but she gripped Natsuki tightly.

Natsuki let them in. She flicked on a space heater and turned on the heater under the kotatsu. Without being asked, she plugged in her little instant water boiler and set the tea pot and a couple mugs on the kotatsu. They settled beneath the table. Instead of sitting across from Natsuki, Shizuru sat adjacent to her.

She swallowed audibly. Her voice shook. "I never... I never said it. I never actually said it and I know I have to. I just..." Shizuru closed her eyes, clasped her hands, and took a deep sigh through her nose. "Natsuki. I—" Her voice broke, and she put a hand over her mouth to choke down a sob. "I r-raped you." Then she broke down, hiccoughing and sobbing, unable to do anything more than wail with her face in her hands.

As much as Natsuki reach out and put her hand on Shizuru's shoulder, she couldn't command her arm to move.

"I—I'm so sorry. I'm so..."

Then, finally, Natsuki took a breath, lifted her hand, and placed it on the back of Shizuru's head. "I know."

Shizuru stilled, then began to cry again. She finally lifted her head from the table. Her face was blotched red, her eyes swollen, her nose running. But her voice was steady now, soft and dark. "I can never express just how much I regret what I did. Not just what I did to you...because those people that I murdered aren't coming back. I don't know how you feel about that, but you shouldn't blame yourself for any part of my actions: not how I...how I raped you, or what I did to Suzushiro, Kikukawa, Yuuki, or what I did with all those people at First District. I dictated my own actions, I made my own decisions, and it was all my fault."

Natsuki began to speak, but Shizuru continued.

"It's funny how I know what I've done are all mortal sins, but the forgiveness I truly seek, that I really want, is from you." Shizuru met her eyes finally, almost desperately. "It's so, so difficult to be with you, Natsuki, knowing what I've done, how I've treated you. Every time I look at you, I feel so much guilt."

Natsuki's eyes welled up and spilled over. "And here I thought it was because I was hurting you by being '_only_ a friend'."

"That wasn't what I meant when I said that," Shizuru said, her voice thick was tears again. "It isn't what I meant."

"Shizuru, I know," Natsuki said heavily. "I knew then: That you'd raped me. And I forgive you. Shizuru, I _trust_ you, implicitly. That's never changed. And you weren't in a vacuum during the Carnival. Everyone involved in it did something horrible."

"That doesn't excuse what I did!"

"Maybe not, but you can't go around thinking you're worse than everyone else. Nao tried to kill me—mutilate me, at least—twice. Yukino tried to murder Mai. Mikoto destroyed both Midori and Shiho's Childs. Mai tried to murder Mikoto and nearly killed everyone at Fuuka doing it. Midori and I managed to blind Nao in one eye. That nun tried to murder Mai, and she ended up killing herself and her boyfriend. Alyssa caused countless deaths with the chaos and destruction that she caused-and a lot of those were innocents, not people who worked for an enemy organization. I could go on. And that's not even talking about Kanzaki."

"Kanzaki was possessed," Shizuru shot back.

"I think we all were a little. Mai and I have talked about it—we did a little then—but both of us noticed we couldn't think clearly, we got caught up in emotions and reacted a lot more strongly than usual. Shizuru, if it were a normal day, when Yukino said what she did and you reached out to me, I wouldn't have automatically assumed that you'd raped me and would do it again. I wouldn't have believed it, and even if I did, I wouldn't have flinched like that."

Shizuru shook her head. "That doesn't excuse—"

"No, the actions were still made, but you've got to stop beating yourself up over it. Shizuru, what you did doesn't change the fact that: _you're a good person_. That's not going to change."

"How can you say that after what I did to you?"

"Because it happened under an abnormal—plain impossible—situation. Because you'll never even think about doing it again. Because you're so sorry. Because—" Natsuki's voice caught, and she began to cry again. "—because I love you so damn much."

Shizuru blinked out fresh tears, but she didn't hide her face.

"I want you, Shizuru. I want to be with you. I want to be with you as more than friends. I... I want to try. Can we try?"

Shizuru rubbed her mouth and choked out a sob that turned into a laugh. She lifted her hand away and the smile that parted her lips and nearly broke Natsuki's heart. "Really?" she whispered.

"Really. Please."

"Okay," Shizuru whispered shyly. "Okay. I'll try too."

Natsuki leaned across the kotatsu, took delight in Shizuru's startled gasp, and gently found Shizuru's mouth. Both of their faces were wet, their noses runny, and their lips salty with tears. But the kiss was sweet, made sweeter by the happy curve of Shizuru's lips. Natsuki traced her nose along Shizuru's jaw and pressed her cheek into Shizuru's shoulder, inhaling the floral scent of her hair. "Merry Christmas, huh?"

"Yes, Merry Christmas."

They had a long way to go. Maybe Shizuru would never forgive herself, but at least Natsuki would be there to keep her trying. As if to punctuate her thought, Shizuru's warm, strong arm came around her shoulders and finally drew Natsuki in to her.

-end-


End file.
